The one who seeks, should not cease seeking, until they find.
And when they find, they will be dismayed.
And when they are dismayed they will be astonished,
and they will be king over the all.
- Gospel of Thomas, Gnostic Bible
While ‘my’ path is truly irrelevant, perhaps even distracting, the subjective experience of the path might prove useful. This part of Nigredo, and the corresponding final part of each stage in this ‘course’, will therefore approach the dharma from a subjective viewpoint. Often, we face the hurdles of enlightenment without understanding; yet, some understanding allows an ‘orientation’ to the dharma, which can be reassuring if nothing else.
In truth, I cannot definitively say whether mental illness might manifest as spiritual ‘symptoms’, and there would be inherent danger in assuming this correlation. What I can share is my personal belief that the symptoms of my mental illness were likely manifestations of spiritual awakening. I share my story not as an authority on either enlightenment or mental illness, but simply as a traveller’s tale which, being no less fantastic than any medieval sailor’s stories, should be taken as such.
Don’t feel you need to traverse the challenging aspects of this ‘path’ alone – although you might well prefer solitude. Nevertheless, seeking support and medication, if needed, poses no ‘harm’ to the enlightenment process. The Buddhist concept of upaya (skilful means) teaches us that various methods can lead to awakening. Accept that this ‘path’ spans years and decades, remain humble in your practice of sila (ethical conduct), and persist in your journey.
Remember that the path to enlightenment, or what the Buddha termed bodhi (awakening), is deeply personal yet universal. Like the ancient alchemists working through the stages of the Great Work, beginning with Nigredo (the blackening), we each must face our own shadows while recognising our fundamental interconnectedness. May your journey, whether walked alone or alongside others, lead you toward deeper understanding and lasting peace.
The Seeker’s Path: Origins and Early Years
From my earliest memories, an insatiable curiosity has driven my quest for understanding. Looking back, the path seems obvious, yet only in retrospect does its pattern emerge with clarity.
Born into an atheist/agnostic family, I approached spirituality from an unusual vantage point. Rather than inheriting a religious system to either embrace or reject, I stood outside traditional frameworks, free to explore with unfettered curiosity.
At age eleven, I ordered Aleister Crowley’s Magick, much to the concern of a possibly Christian bookseller. This volume, along with a handful of esoteric texts, occupied a single shelf beneath my collection of mainstream books. Despite reading it repeatedly, my lack of Hebrew, Greek, or Latin knowledge – and limited mystical experience – left it an enigma for two decades.
Academic Journey and Medical Career
Natural Abilities and Early Education
My natural academic inclination was enhanced by a kind of eidetic memory – the ability to recall most things I heard. This gift often allowed me to relive teaching moments in dreams, where I would find myself ‘instructing’ on the day’s lessons.
Medical Training and Early Practice
My scientific aptitude led me to medical school, where I performed adequately, focusing primarily on meeting examination requirements. Yet even then, my esoteric interests surfaced – evidenced by an unauthorized attempt to study Chinese Medicine and Acupuncture in my final year.
Professional Evolution
My medical career took me through various specialties and locations:
- Emergency Medicine initially captured my interest
- Anaesthesia provided a fascinating blend of academic knowledge and technical precision
- After achieving fellowship and necessary qualifications, the work became routine
- Psychiatry beckoned as a potential answer to deeper questions, yet only generated more
The Bridge Between Conventional and Esoteric
Exploring Alternative Approaches
During my medical practice, I pursued training in hypnotherapy and neuro-linguistic programming. Hypnotherapy particularly intrigued me, though its practitioners’ often vague explanations about “the power of the unconscious mind” left me seeking deeper understanding.
Unexpected Developments
Working with psychiatric patients revealed increasingly profound responses to hypnotherapy. One particularly striking incident at a new practice led me to resign after a single day, concerned about the unexpected depth and power of the therapeutic effects I was witnessing. These experiences began bridging the gap between conventional medicine and what might be termed spiritual or paranormal phenomena.
The Descent
My mid-thirties brought a profound depression, despite career success and financial security. The conventional markers of achievement felt hollow, leading to a period of intense questioning and eventual breakdown.
The decision to report my concerns about my hypnotherapy practice to medical authorities, while ethically motivated, initiated a cascade of professional challenges. This period, while professionally devastating, served as a crucial catalyst for spiritual transformation – what mystics term ‘the dark night of the soul’.
Synthesis and Understanding
This journey – through science, medicine, and esoteric practices – ultimately revealed that my true quest was not for external knowledge but inner awakening. The very obstacles and suffering that seemed to impede progress were, in fact, essential catalysts for spiritual growth. Like the Buddha’s transformation from prince to ascetic to enlightened being, sometimes we must lose everything we believe ourselves to be to discover our true nature.
Further Reading
- Books
- “The Dark Night of the Soul” by St. John of the Cross
- “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle
- “Magick: Liber ABA, Book 4” by Aleister Crowley
- “What the Buddha Taught” by Walpola Rahula
- Online Resources
- Ajahn Punnadhammo’s YouTube Channel: Forest Dhamma
- Wikipedia: Dark Night of the Soul
- Wikipedia: Buddhist Meditation
- Wikipedia: Carl Jung and Eastern Philosophy